I've cried.
Then I've cried some more. I've no more tears to give. She left me about a week ago. And the pain. It shoots up straight from your spine up to your heart then to your very soul. Sometimes I don't think I can ever be the same person again.I gave all of my heart to her, and when she left all that was left was the shell.
I've spent years of my life with her. Every single thing reminds me one way or another about her. From the places we used to visit to the things we used to do. Whenever I thought about the future, I never saw any other woman but her as my wife. Visions of having kids together. A house and a home. Hobbies we could try out. Schools we would want our kids to hopefully be in.
The pain sometimes gets too unbearable that I've oftentimes felt like banging my head on the wall so that I can get a concussion and finally knock myself out. And get some sleep.
For me, the world died when she left. For the world, it was just another Monday.
Thursday, July 28, 2016
Tuesday, July 5, 2016
Uncertainty and Instability in Life - How do you cope?
Yikes!
I certainly don't do this blog justice. I mean... I know, I promise to write regularly and then what do I do? I forget about do it. Like literally every time. I'm kinda laughing now, this whole "promise to write but I never do" has become some sort of running joke in my life. Haha.
Well my dear readers, you ask: so Lokman, what's been happening in your life lately? Well. It's been good and fun and all that, but currently I've been under intense pressure in trying to start up my own business. I mean it's exciting and fun and exhilarating in the beginning but now I'm facing lots of uncertainty... AND Instability. The thing is, my last two projects failed miserably and at the moment of writing this I'm down to my last 20 bucks... That's how serious it's getting. I didn't plan on losing a project and a source of income, let alone TWO. But what am i to do? Life sometimes likes to throw you that kind of curveballs... ESPECIALLY when you're already down and out of your luck. I think that's the reason why people are so fond of the saying "It never rains but it pours".
Ultimately, I really think the universe is kinda testing my determination because if one thing I know for certain is that you need tenacity and boundless perseverance to pursue your dreams and it's always the darkest before the dawn. Heh. Look at me. I'm entirely speaking in tired old cliches right now.
So my dear readers, any suggestions on how to cope when all you see is despair and hopelessness of the situation? It has always been my dream of opening up and operating my very own successful IT company and I really do love programming work. I never thought of myself doing anything else, and I would rather struggle with all my might do chase my dreams than to settle down and get a job in a corporate office (not that I have anything against it, it's just that that structure isn't the life for me). But it looks like for now I need to put my dreams on hold because really, dreams don't pay the bills. My lovely girlfriend suggested that I work for a couple of years to save the capital and start all over again when I'm older, but I've always harbored this feeling that by then, middle age would already have set in and I'd be too comfortable to chase for more. All I'm saying is that I don't want to regret anything in my life and I believe wholeheartedly that this line of work is my passion and my desire. I don't want my dreams to die. Ever. Because if they do then I'd be a broken man.
So i'm doing my damnest till the day I die to struggle and fight for my dreams. No matter what it takes. I can live being poor and miserable, but I don't think I can if my dreams are broken. I just can't. I have too much pride, this I know. It's gonna be my downfall someday.
Glad that I got all this off my chest. Just needed a place to talk, even if it's to myself and even if no one sees this. Well, that's all I got for today. Hopefully I'd FINALLY not renegade on my promises and spend more time writing down more posts on this blog.
Your friendly neighborhood bloggerman.
Lokman
P.S. if you're ever interested in seeing my site, here you go: LINC
I certainly don't do this blog justice. I mean... I know, I promise to write regularly and then what do I do? I forget about do it. Like literally every time. I'm kinda laughing now, this whole "promise to write but I never do" has become some sort of running joke in my life. Haha.
Well my dear readers, you ask: so Lokman, what's been happening in your life lately? Well. It's been good and fun and all that, but currently I've been under intense pressure in trying to start up my own business. I mean it's exciting and fun and exhilarating in the beginning but now I'm facing lots of uncertainty... AND Instability. The thing is, my last two projects failed miserably and at the moment of writing this I'm down to my last 20 bucks... That's how serious it's getting. I didn't plan on losing a project and a source of income, let alone TWO. But what am i to do? Life sometimes likes to throw you that kind of curveballs... ESPECIALLY when you're already down and out of your luck. I think that's the reason why people are so fond of the saying "It never rains but it pours".
Ultimately, I really think the universe is kinda testing my determination because if one thing I know for certain is that you need tenacity and boundless perseverance to pursue your dreams and it's always the darkest before the dawn. Heh. Look at me. I'm entirely speaking in tired old cliches right now.
So my dear readers, any suggestions on how to cope when all you see is despair and hopelessness of the situation? It has always been my dream of opening up and operating my very own successful IT company and I really do love programming work. I never thought of myself doing anything else, and I would rather struggle with all my might do chase my dreams than to settle down and get a job in a corporate office (not that I have anything against it, it's just that that structure isn't the life for me). But it looks like for now I need to put my dreams on hold because really, dreams don't pay the bills. My lovely girlfriend suggested that I work for a couple of years to save the capital and start all over again when I'm older, but I've always harbored this feeling that by then, middle age would already have set in and I'd be too comfortable to chase for more. All I'm saying is that I don't want to regret anything in my life and I believe wholeheartedly that this line of work is my passion and my desire. I don't want my dreams to die. Ever. Because if they do then I'd be a broken man.
So i'm doing my damnest till the day I die to struggle and fight for my dreams. No matter what it takes. I can live being poor and miserable, but I don't think I can if my dreams are broken. I just can't. I have too much pride, this I know. It's gonna be my downfall someday.
Glad that I got all this off my chest. Just needed a place to talk, even if it's to myself and even if no one sees this. Well, that's all I got for today. Hopefully I'd FINALLY not renegade on my promises and spend more time writing down more posts on this blog.
Your friendly neighborhood bloggerman.
Lokman
P.S. if you're ever interested in seeing my site, here you go: LINC
Thursday, August 27, 2015
Well, I'm Back :)
God. Oh my god.
My dear beloved readers, it has definitely been the most longest of time. God.
I decided to look back into my old stuff and was pleased to find out that my blog still exist. First thing I did? removed that bloody eye-sore of my old design. What in the world was I thinking, making my blog look like that? Guess I was definitely high on something.
They say writing helps, and oh boy do I miss writing. I look back at my blogs and realized how much I've grown, compared to my very first post submitted like almost 10 years ago. I'm now a manager at an IT Company. All my friends are now talking about marriages or the mortgages need on their first homes or even their first baby. Urgh. It makes me feel super old.
Before I even realized it, age crept up on me and now I'm a fully bona fide adult. Funny how that works. I mean, I get super excited when other forms of mails other than bills come in. Yay me! ._.
I still have a lot to talk about, and I still want to continue with this blog, so let's see what happens, and let's take things one slow steady step at a time.
Life at 15 and life at 25 sure makes you feel that you've stepped on a different planet altogether. Gosh, I cringe like mad at my old posts. Hope you readers can forgive me.
But if it's one thing throughout my life that I never forgot, was to remain naturally positive, and to have that "never say die" attitude when it comes to working and striving for the things you want. Well, that's it for today.
Oh yeah, one more thing. I always end it off with signature lines, and I'll be dammed if I don't.
Your friendly neighborhood bloggerman,
Lokman
My dear beloved readers, it has definitely been the most longest of time. God.
I decided to look back into my old stuff and was pleased to find out that my blog still exist. First thing I did? removed that bloody eye-sore of my old design. What in the world was I thinking, making my blog look like that? Guess I was definitely high on something.
They say writing helps, and oh boy do I miss writing. I look back at my blogs and realized how much I've grown, compared to my very first post submitted like almost 10 years ago. I'm now a manager at an IT Company. All my friends are now talking about marriages or the mortgages need on their first homes or even their first baby. Urgh. It makes me feel super old.
Before I even realized it, age crept up on me and now I'm a fully bona fide adult. Funny how that works. I mean, I get super excited when other forms of mails other than bills come in. Yay me! ._.
I still have a lot to talk about, and I still want to continue with this blog, so let's see what happens, and let's take things one slow steady step at a time.
Life at 15 and life at 25 sure makes you feel that you've stepped on a different planet altogether. Gosh, I cringe like mad at my old posts. Hope you readers can forgive me.
But if it's one thing throughout my life that I never forgot, was to remain naturally positive, and to have that "never say die" attitude when it comes to working and striving for the things you want. Well, that's it for today.
Oh yeah, one more thing. I always end it off with signature lines, and I'll be dammed if I don't.
Your friendly neighborhood bloggerman,
Lokman
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
I HATE it. Being FAT.
Dear beloved readers,
Well, it's time for my rantings again. I swore in my New Year resolutions that I would regularly update and write in this blog, and being a gentleman and a man of my word, I do what I say. ;)
The thing is, all my life, I've either been chubby or fat. Which is pretty much a bummer, to say the least. At my heaviest, I weighed at least 216 pounds (98 kilograms) and being the 5"6 (1.69 meters) guy that I am, I really though I was pushing it when compared to my height. My BMI sky-rocketed to 34.9 and that REALLY is unhealthy. My heaviest weight may mean nothing to you guys, but being in an Asian country with their smaller builds, it meant that I was automatically labeled "the fat guy" in any group I was in. Sure, I tried to cover my weakness by being the nicest and most reliable guy around and by being super friendly to everybody I did win over many friends, but in my heart I always knew that people would always refer to me as the "fatty" or make fat jokes when I'm not around. It didn't help that even my relatives that came over during festivities would mention how "hefty" I was to my mum and my mum would try to help me out by explaining that I was just "big boned". I tried my best to not listen to the others, but there is only so much a person can endure before he or she is reduced to a crying mess by all the criticisms floating around.
Being drafted to do National Service for my country helped a bit, and slowly I slimmed down to 192 pounds over the course of 2 years. I still was fat, but I looked in better shape than I ever did in my entire life. After my National Service ended and I entered university, I decided that I wanted to lose weight further by joining their Martial Arts Club. I joined Silat.
The very first training session that I attended I felt very awkward and shy. All the other people that joined the club already had "muscular" or "svelte" bodies and I was the only "fatso" around. The coaches then began their lessons. Right from the beginning, I didn't feel outcast-ed. In fact, they were very supportive of me and encouraged me more when I told them that I had joined the club to lose more weight.
Dear readers, I had learned so much from the coaches of my Martial Arts Club, and I really feel like sharing the knowledge with you readers out there. If you feel that you are unfit or overweight and want to lose some of those pounds and feel better overall, then you must remember 3 important steps:
1) Get yourself a support group. It can be your best friend or a group of close friends. Tell them the reason(s) that you want to lose weight, and tell them it would mean so much to you if they would help you. Tell them how much weight you want to lose and the period of time taken. Tell them about all the difficulties you have losing weight. They don't even need to give you advise, the very act of telling them already enforces to yourself that you want to make the change. Tell them all the small decrements of weight that you achieve, no matter how small. And when the going gets tough, they'll be your lifeline to pull you through, just by being there and listening.
2) Create a list of 5 things that you will achieve by loosing weight. It could be anything from being more attractive to members of the opposite sex or being able to fit into a stylish piece of clothing that you always want to wear. Paste it beside your dressing mirror and look at it EVERY DAY to remind yourself and to keep yourself motivated. I cannot stress how important this is in increasing your willpower so that you will achieve your goals.
3) Exercise more and eat lesser. SLOWLY AND STEADILY. Start very small like eating one less Oreo cookie packet during snack time or climbing that short flight of stairs to reach one level higher. DO NOT rush and do intense exercises or deliberately starve yourself in hopes that you will be thinner the next day. SLOWLY AND STEADILY is the keyword here, and building and acclimatizing yourself up would be the way to go. Most of the time we want to see results fast, but in the journey of losing weight it is very difficult to achieve. You did not gain 50 pounds overnight, it might have taken months or even years, so why are you beating yourself up when you can't lose the weigh fast? Step number 2 is very important in working with step number 3 to maintain your willpower and help you through your journey.
Most of us have a busy lifestyle (work, school, activities, etc) and lament that we really can't find time to exercise. This is why we must MAKE time for exercise. Living healthily is a choice, and with every choice worth choosing, it will come with sacrifices. For example, every Saturday, instead of choosing to watch the television, why don't you spend just 30 minutes having a walk around the neighborhood instead? You don't need to walk fast, just the act of walking itself will burn of a few calories. You might say that it is very little, but if you do it regularly every Saturday you will find yourself to be more energetic and in turn wanting to do more activities. And this positive cycle continues on and on. I myself am on this journey to losing weight, and will regularly update this blog about my achievements.
Well, that's all my ranting for today. I had hoped to write a better piece of work, but this didn't turn out so bad. :) I'll refine this post further as time goes by.
As always,
Lokman
Well, it's time for my rantings again. I swore in my New Year resolutions that I would regularly update and write in this blog, and being a gentleman and a man of my word, I do what I say. ;)
The thing is, all my life, I've either been chubby or fat. Which is pretty much a bummer, to say the least. At my heaviest, I weighed at least 216 pounds (98 kilograms) and being the 5"6 (1.69 meters) guy that I am, I really though I was pushing it when compared to my height. My BMI sky-rocketed to 34.9 and that REALLY is unhealthy. My heaviest weight may mean nothing to you guys, but being in an Asian country with their smaller builds, it meant that I was automatically labeled "the fat guy" in any group I was in. Sure, I tried to cover my weakness by being the nicest and most reliable guy around and by being super friendly to everybody I did win over many friends, but in my heart I always knew that people would always refer to me as the "fatty" or make fat jokes when I'm not around. It didn't help that even my relatives that came over during festivities would mention how "hefty" I was to my mum and my mum would try to help me out by explaining that I was just "big boned". I tried my best to not listen to the others, but there is only so much a person can endure before he or she is reduced to a crying mess by all the criticisms floating around.
Being drafted to do National Service for my country helped a bit, and slowly I slimmed down to 192 pounds over the course of 2 years. I still was fat, but I looked in better shape than I ever did in my entire life. After my National Service ended and I entered university, I decided that I wanted to lose weight further by joining their Martial Arts Club. I joined Silat.
The very first training session that I attended I felt very awkward and shy. All the other people that joined the club already had "muscular" or "svelte" bodies and I was the only "fatso" around. The coaches then began their lessons. Right from the beginning, I didn't feel outcast-ed. In fact, they were very supportive of me and encouraged me more when I told them that I had joined the club to lose more weight.
Dear readers, I had learned so much from the coaches of my Martial Arts Club, and I really feel like sharing the knowledge with you readers out there. If you feel that you are unfit or overweight and want to lose some of those pounds and feel better overall, then you must remember 3 important steps:
1) Get yourself a support group. It can be your best friend or a group of close friends. Tell them the reason(s) that you want to lose weight, and tell them it would mean so much to you if they would help you. Tell them how much weight you want to lose and the period of time taken. Tell them about all the difficulties you have losing weight. They don't even need to give you advise, the very act of telling them already enforces to yourself that you want to make the change. Tell them all the small decrements of weight that you achieve, no matter how small. And when the going gets tough, they'll be your lifeline to pull you through, just by being there and listening.
2) Create a list of 5 things that you will achieve by loosing weight. It could be anything from being more attractive to members of the opposite sex or being able to fit into a stylish piece of clothing that you always want to wear. Paste it beside your dressing mirror and look at it EVERY DAY to remind yourself and to keep yourself motivated. I cannot stress how important this is in increasing your willpower so that you will achieve your goals.
3) Exercise more and eat lesser. SLOWLY AND STEADILY. Start very small like eating one less Oreo cookie packet during snack time or climbing that short flight of stairs to reach one level higher. DO NOT rush and do intense exercises or deliberately starve yourself in hopes that you will be thinner the next day. SLOWLY AND STEADILY is the keyword here, and building and acclimatizing yourself up would be the way to go. Most of the time we want to see results fast, but in the journey of losing weight it is very difficult to achieve. You did not gain 50 pounds overnight, it might have taken months or even years, so why are you beating yourself up when you can't lose the weigh fast? Step number 2 is very important in working with step number 3 to maintain your willpower and help you through your journey.
Most of us have a busy lifestyle (work, school, activities, etc) and lament that we really can't find time to exercise. This is why we must MAKE time for exercise. Living healthily is a choice, and with every choice worth choosing, it will come with sacrifices. For example, every Saturday, instead of choosing to watch the television, why don't you spend just 30 minutes having a walk around the neighborhood instead? You don't need to walk fast, just the act of walking itself will burn of a few calories. You might say that it is very little, but if you do it regularly every Saturday you will find yourself to be more energetic and in turn wanting to do more activities. And this positive cycle continues on and on. I myself am on this journey to losing weight, and will regularly update this blog about my achievements.
Well, that's all my ranting for today. I had hoped to write a better piece of work, but this didn't turn out so bad. :) I'll refine this post further as time goes by.
As always,
Lokman
Monday, January 2, 2012
Back at it again. At last.
Dear beloved readers,
Oh my god, how very long has it been since I've began writing? I know I know, I mean, I keep saying, I keep promising to myself that I will regularly write on this blog and true enough, a couple months will pass by and not a thing will be written. But hey, it's a brand new start to a brand new year, so why not continue this blog and start off with a bang?
Anyway, so very much has been happening, and where do I begin? I mean, I could regale to you guys the moment I went psycho and suicidal and try to off myself but hey, I don't like to dwell on bad memories and that's another story for another day for you readers. Well, I'm finally in a university (National University of Singapore by the way, studying Computing Science) and that I'm loving every moment of it. And oh, I've joined the martial arts team in my school (it's Silat by the way, look it up, I'm sure it won't disappoint you.) and life as I know it couldn't be better. I've starting praying a lot and it brings me a sense of peace to do so.
I've also tried my hand at being in relationships by so far not so good. I mean, it's kinda hard for me. :\ Maybe I don't have the right "mojo"? Or maybe I'm acting too eager? I don't know what it is, but I've learnt a lot from all these complicated stuff that I've been through.
Hey, writing really it therapeutic! Besides, this feels like a sounding board to reflect all of my thoughts into the world out there. I mean, I hope that there's somebody out there on the other side of the world reading my blog and saying "Yeah, I know what you mean." and unconsciously nodding their heads... Haha I'm imagining too much. :)
I've read a lot of blogs and learnt much from what's out there. And I realize that the best of them, the one with plenty of readers, convey their messages pretty much like stories and makes walking or jogging through a park as dangerous and exciting as one of those action thriller movies like "Mission Impossible". I'm going to make it my new year resolution to be able to write like that. And to write regularly too. Cross my heart :)
And yeah, I would kinda love to have feedback from my readers! If I have any that is haha :P It's just that deep down in my heart there's somebody out there that takes a interest in my life, or any life for that matter, because, isn't that what being human is supposed to be? I mean, the sharing of life stories all inter-connected into this one giant web where we all affect each other. Well, that's how I view the human spirit anyway. Till, next time, as always. :)
The one who wishes all those who read this a Happy 2012,
Lokman
Oh my god, how very long has it been since I've began writing? I know I know, I mean, I keep saying, I keep promising to myself that I will regularly write on this blog and true enough, a couple months will pass by and not a thing will be written. But hey, it's a brand new start to a brand new year, so why not continue this blog and start off with a bang?
Anyway, so very much has been happening, and where do I begin? I mean, I could regale to you guys the moment I went psycho and suicidal and try to off myself but hey, I don't like to dwell on bad memories and that's another story for another day for you readers. Well, I'm finally in a university (National University of Singapore by the way, studying Computing Science) and that I'm loving every moment of it. And oh, I've joined the martial arts team in my school (it's Silat by the way, look it up, I'm sure it won't disappoint you.) and life as I know it couldn't be better. I've starting praying a lot and it brings me a sense of peace to do so.
I've also tried my hand at being in relationships by so far not so good. I mean, it's kinda hard for me. :\ Maybe I don't have the right "mojo"? Or maybe I'm acting too eager? I don't know what it is, but I've learnt a lot from all these complicated stuff that I've been through.
Hey, writing really it therapeutic! Besides, this feels like a sounding board to reflect all of my thoughts into the world out there. I mean, I hope that there's somebody out there on the other side of the world reading my blog and saying "Yeah, I know what you mean." and unconsciously nodding their heads... Haha I'm imagining too much. :)
I've read a lot of blogs and learnt much from what's out there. And I realize that the best of them, the one with plenty of readers, convey their messages pretty much like stories and makes walking or jogging through a park as dangerous and exciting as one of those action thriller movies like "Mission Impossible". I'm going to make it my new year resolution to be able to write like that. And to write regularly too. Cross my heart :)
And yeah, I would kinda love to have feedback from my readers! If I have any that is haha :P It's just that deep down in my heart there's somebody out there that takes a interest in my life, or any life for that matter, because, isn't that what being human is supposed to be? I mean, the sharing of life stories all inter-connected into this one giant web where we all affect each other. Well, that's how I view the human spirit anyway. Till, next time, as always. :)
The one who wishes all those who read this a Happy 2012,
Lokman
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